I had a very interesting conversation the other day where I was scolded for not properly caring for my man-child, I mean husband. Sorry, I get confused when I have to care for an adult like I do my children.
Just to clarify, no this conversation was not with Mr. Rant. He knows better. The conversation did, however, come up because of Mr. Rant’s laundry.
As you all know, he recently went to Switzerland and came home with a large amount of laundry. It is normal. By about the 4th load I was totally over doing it. Hell, I didn’t go to Switzerland! I didn’t ask him to wash my Carnaval costumes, which would’ve been a lot easier because they are a HELL of a lot smaller than snow clothes.
So I talked to him about it and he said he would wash the last load. Of course that was the day before our maid S came.
When she came I asked her to leave that load for him to wash. Why? Shits and giggles.
I wanted to see how long it was going to take until that pile of laundry was washed. Mr Rant is a product of Brazilian culture and I wanted to see when he would finally do some sort of housework on his own accord.
My maid was horrified and she totally confronted me.
“Rachel, you can not do that! You can not treat him like that! He will get angry! It is your job to take care of all these things!”
I have to say that I love my maid. She so rocks and I dig that she just tells me what she thinks. Of course I smiled, laughed and told her that Mr Rant wouldn’t be mad.
She didn’t agree. She said that she knows him and that he was raised a true Brazilian man. She reminded me that his family is from the Northeast of Brazil and that I need to remember Brazilian culture. I am at home and I need to serve my husband.
Of course she does have a point. I am at home. The home is my domain and I do actually enjoy taking care of it. I love caring for my family. I choose to be here.
That being said, I resent the expectation of service. This is not a hotel and I am not a servant.
In response, she told me that he pays for everything and so I have to make sure he is always happy. If I don’t he could leave me or find another woman on the side.
Well shit, if Mr Rant is going to leave me over a pile of laundry, it is best he just go ahead and do it now.
What do you think? Do Brazilian men expect to be taken care of to the point of not even doing a load of laundry?
By the way, the pile of laundry is on day 6.
23 comments
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Shayna
February 21, 2013 at 3:27 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
It depends on the Brazilian man. Some are more open-minded and will help out with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. (if asked :-p) By the way, it could be that he’s not refusing to do the pile of laundry; it’s just that he hasn’t noticed it yet!
Other men still have that 1950s mindset of Man’s Job = Work; Woman’s Job = House, and if he doesn’t ask you to help file papers at his office, why should you ask him to do your job?
Personally, I believe marriage is a partnership, and the partners have to split the roles in a way that both are happy with. Yet there’s a difference between, “I wash your clothes because I love you and because it needs to get done, but I know you’d do the same for me, too.” – and – “I wash your clothes because that’s how a woman is supposed to serve a man, otherwise he’ll leave.”
Although Brazilian social dynamics are changing, I feel like there is still a cultural belief that a good wife = a good cook and housekeeper who takes care of all the “home” stuff, whereas that expectation is SUBSTANTIALLY weaker in the U.S. I just found out that when my husband and I married, no less than four of his friends and relatives asked him, “…can she cook?” – as though that were a minimum qualification for marriage. I can’t see that question ever really being asked in the States.
Nat dos santos
February 21, 2013 at 4:17 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Time to bonk them over their heads with their caveman clubs and drag them out of the dark ages, I say. What happens when you have a more prestigious job and bring home a substantially heftier wage than him? Are the tables turned? Would he be living daily with the insecurity of wondering if you’d leave him you if he hadn’t washed your bra or ironed your blouse?
Sarah
February 21, 2013 at 5:27 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
I laughed SO hard over this post. I won’t even weigh in on the debate – you expressed it so perfectly.
June
February 21, 2013 at 6:16 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Oh, wow, no my Brazilian husband would have absolutely no qualms with helping with the laundry! Granted, his parents basically used him like their own maid since he was old enough (he’s an only child) so cleaning is something that he’s been doing since he was old enough to walk. Actually, now that I’m pregnant he’s even helping out more around the house than before. Granted, our dynamic is somewhat difference since we both work the exact same number of hours per week so we’ve always tried to split chores/childcare etc very evenly.
That being said, knowing other families, I know he’s not necessarily the rule and probably a pretty enlightened guy.
Gislene
February 21, 2013 at 7:17 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Your post is the reason why I imported my Dutch husband. He washes his clothes, I wash mine. I am a very happy Brazilian woman
PS: I even will kiss him right now!!!
Tiffany
February 21, 2013 at 7:26 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Like you, I enjoy taking care of my home. But I do NOT enjoy it when it is expected. When it is expected I flat out refuse. I will do it because I LOVE him/our home/our family, not because I am a woman. And I do a lot of the housework, but fortunately, my husband is a great help and never complains. Dishes, laundry, etc… Except with ironing. He doesn’t feel like he should have to do it because he doesn’t like it … Well, I don’t like it either! So we compromise. IF he has his stuff out before I wake up and iron my own stuff (when I do… rarely) I iron for him. Otherwise it is his job. Works out just fine as he never gets his stuff out
Tamara
February 21, 2013 at 8:09 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Yeah, I have experienced some of this with my husband, but def from my ex boyfriend that I dated for 4 years who was carioca. He started crying once after we got into an argument about me not being responsible to do his laundry and clean his apartment. He grew up with women showing that they cares by babying him (ps..his mom still cuts his meat for him when she would visit). My husband thankfully has lived many years on his own and knows how to clean, cook and do laundry but you can tell that he feels it is my responsibility since I am not working out of the house right now. But on weekends he does give me a break with the cooking sometimes and cooks
It does make it harder to enjoy the house work when you feel obligated due to the fact that you are a woman. Specially if you weren’t brought up that way.
Amanda
February 21, 2013 at 8:45 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Like most other women on this page, I too will refuse to do housework if it is expected of me. I will take care of the cleaning and cooking because I WANT to and I do it because I love my husband. This 1950s idea of that being the job of the women is old. Not to mention, if they want a women to do all of the work because they think it is expected of said women, they shouldn’t have left their mamma’s house.
Corinne Rodrigues
February 21, 2013 at 9:11 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
my ex definitely defined my worth as a “good wife” on my housekeeping skills. Even though I made the money in the relationship I was still chided for not being a good housekeeper. He would talk about the shame and emasculation he felt that he had to wash my underwear!.
Rachel
February 22, 2013 at 3:00 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Thank goodness he is an ex!
Eva
February 21, 2013 at 9:22 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Hahahaha to all of this, but I especially love that it was your maid that said that to you.
Also, that photo is just beyond gross.
Nat
February 22, 2013 at 12:55 am (UTC 3) Link to this comment
I just have to chip in with the observation that most ladies here are using the words ‘he helps me’. The use of these words implies that he merely assists with a job that it is yours. I am careful with the words I choose with my children too, the language we use can shift responsibility. Family members don’t ‘help me’ they do their ‘fair share’ as the responsibility is just as much theirs . – ok, that’s my rant over
(that pic really is quite disturbing, isn’t it)
Rachel
February 22, 2013 at 3:01 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Team effort! I say that at home. When my kids bitch about… I don’t know… going to the supermarket with me. I ask them if they want to eat. It isn’t my errand alone, they eat here too
Ray
February 22, 2013 at 11:06 am (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Rachel,
What your maid said doesn’t seem to be the way Mr.Rant thinks, it doesn’t seem like he is that way at all, you have described here before in many instances where he does his share around the house and that he is really good with the kids, gives you a night out with your friends here and there, and with cleaning and organizing things around the house and even washing the dishes, am I wrong?
But come on, if you have a maid to help with these chores, why not?
Is this really about laundry?
Just as a curiosity, our family is composed by two guys (and a dog), there are no expectations here except that we both do what needs to be done to keep the house (Brazilian standards) clean, yeap, no easy task without a maid, but we both do our share and we work it out one way or another, sometimes I do more, sometimes he does more, whoever is available at the moment will do the task at hand, everyone is happy.
I have seen an equal amount of families in Brazil and the US where the woman is indeed expected to do everything around the house and the husband is expected to bring in the money. Exceptions when the wife works as well, then other arrangements are done.
I have never seen an American family where the wife sits at home all day and the husband who works out is expected to come home and cook and clean, and I have never seen a Brazilian wife that works all day and is expected to come home and cook and clean.
What I see both in Brazil and in the US is that couples make arrangements that fit their lifestyles. I have lived in the US for 15 years now and I truly don’t think it’s a US versus Brazil difference but an URBAN versus RURAL perspective.
What I have seen more commonly nowadays are an equal share of the house work. But in Brazil with the availability of maids, all bets are off…and new arrangements can and are frequently made…
Abracos
Ray
Rachel
February 22, 2013 at 3:02 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Fair enough. And I am currently recovering from a night out with friends
And it isn’t just about the laundry. Is it ever
Ray
February 22, 2013 at 10:40 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Eh eh eh! Good to hear abracos
skarrlette
February 23, 2013 at 2:15 am (UTC 3) Link to this comment
First off what advice does this maid offer a women who is working 40 hours a week or one that wants to work because she loves her career?
I think the whole point is that fact that old ideas die hard. And that in the old days women were expected to obey and serve their husband. And the women in the US fought hard to change that and next will be Brazil as women become more and more self sufficient. I mean a 100 years ago a women couldn’t even buy land or make any bank transaction without permission from their husband in the US. Just like in some cultures today having a son is better than having a daughter. And this maid still believes in those old norms. That a man needs to be served and taken care of because society taught a mans needs are more important than a woman’s.
I think that yes up to a point that if your job is taking care of the house, and he works that’s great those roles can only work when a family can afford to have one person at home not working. And usually its the man since men usually make more money. However if Rachel had a job making more money than her husband then the roles would be reversed. I have met women who do make more money than their husbands and the husband stays home with the children and takes care of the house. What the maid fails to realize is that now its a partnership on equality footing. A give and take out of respect. Not a slave master situation where the little women better stay in the kitchen and due her duties obeying her husband and keeping him happy for fear that he may go out chasing some tail.
Rachel
February 24, 2013 at 3:37 am (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Actually, if a woman works she feels that the man should help but you can not ask him to and normally he won’t.
I think that I am in charge of everything during business hours. Everything. I need to bust my ass. Evenings and weekends are team time
Jamie
February 23, 2013 at 1:43 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
If he works away from home and you don’t, I don’t see the reason why you shouldn’t do the laundry. Nothing to do with ‘woman’s work’.
Rachel
February 24, 2013 at 3:39 am (UTC 3) Link to this comment
I do. Like I said above though, there are other times where we should share. It isn’t fair that his job has hours and mine is 24/7. Plus a trip means extra. Since I already have a full load here, he can help.
At the same time, after writing this post, I realized that I am horrible about asking for help. I have been asking this weekend here and there and it is no problem. Sometimes you just have to open your mouth and ask with a smile
joana
February 24, 2013 at 9:38 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
I live in Brasil and I know the problem, at our churrascos the brazilian women used to serve food to their husbands and kids first … before they served themselves. I couldn’t believe it…. and I DID NOT do the same! They couldn’t get over it!
Lolla
February 25, 2013 at 3:47 pm (UTC 3) Link to this comment
Yeah, it depends on the man. But the likelihood of marrying a Little Lord Fauntleroy mummy’s boy who never had to even put his rice and beans on the plate for himself is FAR greater in Brazil than it would be in europe or the US. Sad but true, the maid have a point. But I’m 100% with you on the fact that, if some husband expects a SERVANT, than the wife is better off without him anyway. And he can leave and hire one, that would be cheaper.
I don’t work and I don’t have kids. I do all the laundry because it doesn’t bother me (washing machine, I love you). I clean the whole house, too, but I do NOT iron his stuff (I’d rather be shot on the head, I *hate* ironing with a passion) and he is the official household cook. The fact that you do not work outside the home or “pay for things” should not mean that your housework can be taken for granted. I am sure you do not take HIS for granted, right? A couple is, or should be, a partnership; you’re not simply being paid to do a job.
Rebecca
February 27, 2013 at 12:39 am (UTC 3) Link to this comment
My hubby grew up as a momma’s boy.. but thankfully he has changed! During the dating period he changed a lot, so by the time we got married he was completely different then what Brazilian men are known for. We share the laundry, whoeever feels like doing it, is welcome to do it. Same so with ironing, he irons his uniform to go to work and stuff, if I have extra time, I do it. But usually I don’t because I am always finishing getting ready. For food, we eat out… at night we both fend for ourselves together.. we get home anddecide to make something. Sometimes he makes something for both of us, sometimes I make something for both of us.. sometimes we eac make our own.. I love the way it is, each person caring for the other- but all work is equally shared!