Contrary to what Disney tells us, marriage is not a fairy tale. The beginning may be all adventure, romance and sex but that eventually calms. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t go away! It just ends up in a Tupperware in the back of the fridge somewhere behind your kids’ chocolate milk and the digestive friendly yogurt.
The fact of the matter is that traditional wedding vows are far too vague:
“Better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”
There is a lot of space for interpretation there…
Considering that fact, I’ve decided to write new marriage vows, vows that actually make sense:
- I promise to remember that, in marriage, romance is a constantly changing notion. I will update you on my perceptions of romance and I will give you credit when you make a gesture that you consider is so.
- As much as you adore my family, I vow to never force you to live with them. I would like you to continue enjoying their company.
- I will side with you over my parents and siblings, though I may never actually admit that to them.
- Unless health is an issue, you are not fat.
- I will only ask if I look fat once a week. When you say that I don’t, I will actually accept it.
- I will not give you shit for obsessively watching soccer games if you do not try to push me into watching them with you.
- I promise to honor man time and encourage bromances.
- I will love who you are now and who you will become, just please become someone cool because I would prefer to also like you.
- I vow to be as giving in bed as you are. I suggest we make a competition out of it.
- I promise not to expect you to be solely responsible for my happiness. (Thanks for the tip N!)
- I can not promise that I will not go to bed angry, but I can promise that I won’t kill you in your sleep.
- I promise to baby you during your man flu.
- I will not hog the remote, computer or ipad.
- I will make sure to always leave you enough hot water for a good shower.
- I will let you know I farted so you can choose between ignoring it or escaping the torture.
- I will never try to enter the bathroom while you are taking a crap.
- I vow to wait for you to watch our favorite TV series or movies we both want to see.
- If you attempt to be code, I will not notice the chicks you check out.
- Understanding that eventually what attracted us to each other will start to drive us crazy, I promise to look for other things in you that will attract me all over again. (Thanks for the tip K!)
- I will always give you credit for taking one for the team. This normally goes unaccredited because the other party gets what they want. I will make sure you get credit where credit is deserved.
- When we go out with other adults I vow to notice how charming you are.
- When you fall, I promise to help pick you up. If I am laughing too hard, I will be considerate enough to fall down beside you.
- I will not punish you for being in a bad mood, at least not while you are in one.
- When you misplace something, by not putting it where it goes, I will only give you as much shit as you give me in the same situation.
- I will not judge you if you do not deserve it, and if you do I will be fair.
- I will remember that is not a romantic comedy. It is real life – you can choose to make it better or worse.
- I promise to respect your style. I also promise to let you know if you look ridiculous.
- I promise to smile at you daily, kiss you goodbye every time you leave and kiss you hello when we meet up again.